Game of Thrones S7.E1: Dragonstone
It's about bloody time. Image from HBO
Hello strangers. It's been a long wait but Game of Thrones is back on our screens which also means WE'RE BACK! Like our pouting protagonist Jon Snow at the end of series five, there was some doubt around whether these reviews would be revived for another series (mainly because editing our ridiculous rambling, poorly-typed conversations down each week is a major operation) but, deep down, we all know this is what George RR Martin wants.
If you haven't read one of our reviews before, prepare yourself for potential spoilers, vague predictions and an abundance of Tormund gifs. You will also see many mentions of 'well, in the books' because yes we are those people.
Shall we get started?
Jo: DUNDUN DUDU DUNDUN DUDU DUNDUN DUDU DUNDUN DUDU DUUUU
Nicki: I tried to type that in this morning and failed!
Jo: Still not sure I’ve got it entirely right even after all this time!
Nicki: Probably helps if the person you're typing to already knows what it's going to be before reading.
Jo: Before we get into the joy of having GoT back, can we get the negatives out of the way: what was with Ed Sheeran and why was his face always in shot.
Nicki: I guess because OMGCAMEO but it seemed SO pointless?
Jo: That whole scene was bad. I get that it's a contrast to Arya mass-murdering a room full of people, but no.
Nicki: I was peed off that it should/would have been a dangerous situation for Arya instead it was all, yay have some rabbit and laughs. I don't feel they've pandered to a cameo for no reason before.
Jo: We’re on limited time here people, none of that thanks.
Nicki: I will only accept a random George RR Martin cameo.
Jo: Other than that I thought the episode was good and I’m much happy to have GoT back, but I did feel like I wanted something more punchy. It fell a little flat in places. Maybe it’s testament to just how big the battles were last season that Arya wiping out all the Freys barely made me bat an eyelid.
Nicki: And the promise of more huge battles this season. It was an establishing episode I guess. It was not exciting but there were some lovely character moments: Tormund's “You are a lucky guy"; Tiny Lady Mormont kicking arse and Davos smirking.
Jo: And Euron 'two good hands' Greyjoy. Hnnnng. Not entirely sold on his makeover, his outfit did feel a little too modern, but dammit I'm a sucker for an unhinged guy in eyeliner.
Nicki: He went all thespian this episode.
Jo: He's on his best behaviour. And he did make those ships, just like he promised.
Nicki: He is most efficient. Dany could take notes and get a wriggle on. She just made an autumn/winter clothing collection.
Jo: Her scaly cloak is v McQueen though. Her and Cersei are really rocking the warrior queen look.
Nicki: They really are - I assume they are being dressed for a face off. Dany's not so threatening when she's wearing a scrap of silk.
Jo: With Sam telling Jon about the dragonglass at Dragonstone I'm guessing we’ll get a meeting between him and Dany soon. Hopefully it won’t take him six eps to make it down there, mind.
Nicki: I'm also wondering if Ser (scaly) Friendzone is where he is to help Sam/Jon convince her that they have good intentions.
Jo: Hmm, I didn’t think about that too much. Just that he’d gone to the maesters of Oldtown to try and heal the greyscale (and his broken friendzoned heart).
8am is no time for poop scenes
Nicki: Bleurgh. Poop and retching. It was too early for all of that.
Jo: It so was and I’m not sure it was entirely necessary. It didn’t feel like a GoT-style scene somehow but was quite funny.
Nicki: It was like Edgar Wright does bed pans.
Jo: It was! Also what’s going on with their diets there if it’s all watery like that? They aint curing anyone.
Nicki: I know as if poor Ser Friendzone hasn’t been through enough.
Jo: Do you think he’ll be cured by some miracle?
Nicki: Probably but it will be weird if all those maesters haven’t worked it out in years and he’s just like, it’s here in this book I just looked at for a few minutes. Also the lovely Jim Broadbent must play a pivotal role somehow.
Jo: He deserves more than pulling slop out of corpses.
OMG WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN?
Jo: Honestly I don’t know. This is where our lack of books comes in and we have to rely on our smarts instead.
Nicki: Uh oh. Firstly, what ‘gift’ will Euron go find and bring back?
Jo: Judging by his appearance, something from All Saints?
Nicki: A smokey eye palette for him and Cersei to share?
Jo: He so wouldn’t share.
Nicki: It's got to be a person surely?
Jo: I’d guess at a person but I don’t know who. Gendry? Did he commandeer his rowing boat?! “In the books” Euron has a big horn called Dragonbinder but that doesn’t seem to have been hinted at yet. My memory is failing me on the details but awoiaf reliably informs me "whoever blows the horn will die but any dragons that hear will obey the horn's master".
Jo: Hi dragons I am your master but also I am dead. So maybe Euron will produce his big horn for Cersei.
Nicki: Excellent innuendo. I think last season we also did some death predictions. I know we aren't getting away with keeping all our favourites this year!
Jo: Well. I’m going to admit to seeing a supposed leak about one character being killed off and it makes me sad. But it could all be rubbish, as the leaks often are, so I’ll ignore it.
Nicki: I think Jaime will kill Cersei - but not sure that will be this season or next.
Jo: Yup, we predicted that last season. Long game, I think he’ll take her out too. I don’t see Arya getting to her.
Nicki: As we do know the witch predicted she’ll be killed by a younger brother right?
Jo: Yes, the valonqar! But we all know GRRM likes to play around with his prophesies.
Nicki: Very true. Do you think Jon AND Dany will make it through the season?
Jo: Yup, I think they’re in it to the end now. We’ve had too many Jon deaths.
Nicki: Ha we don’t even know if he can die at this point.
Jo: Think this’ll be more about the relationship between those two after they meet. I’m hoping that’ll happen soon, like the next couple of episodes, seeing as travel seems to be much speedier this season already.
Nicki: Yeah I think it will. As soon as he gets the crow from Sam he’ll be over with some mining equipment he’ll have found in the same cupboard as everyone’s winter wardrobes.
Jo: Sansa hasn’t had need for her craft box yet. Perhaps she’ll have chance to prepare Jon a nice cloak for the journey.
Think our predictions are way off? Have your own interpretation of the valonqar prophesy? Want to make some jokes about Euron's big horn? Let it all out in the comments section below.